And why I am still not done learning from it.
Earlier in my career—yes, around that same time where I almost traded in my suit for a chef coat—I was burning out so much that I burned out the people around me, including individuals I was meant to lead. I was running at a hundred miles an hour and I expected everyone else to as well.
The Inexperienced Leader
I hesitate to even write “individuals I was leading” because at that time in my career, I did not understand what being a leader meant. And maybe I am still figuring it out, but it is those who experienced my “leadership” style in those early days that I truly apologize to.
During that time, I thought being a leader was as simple as: “I have a job to do and you have to help me do it.” I was so focused on what I was trying to accomplish, I almost treated my team as collateral damage. My lack of awareness of what being a leader meant, led me to unintentionally burn out an individual to the point of no return (side note: I am happy to report that this individual is extremely successful in their career despite this). It didn’t take me too long to realize that I had failed as a leader, they had not failed as part of my team.
Those of you who work with me now, may know of my grumpy alter ego, Rick. As a human, some days I show up to meetings grumpier than others. The reason for this changes; sometimes I am overwhelmed with a current project or have personal stresses on my mind, and other days I simply just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Overtime, my team gave this version of me a name and it now allows us to communicate honestly about when Rick is coming to the table. This two-way feedback enables me to check myself and for my team and I to have a better understanding on how to work best with one another.
The problem is that Rick has actually been involved in select work days for almost a decade; my inexperienced self just wasn’t aware of him earlier on and there was certainly no communication regarding him. I was not aware that there is a difference between tough love as a helpful tactic and spitefully attempting to prove a point—or that my own mood that day may be affecting my approach. My leadership was ridden with pride and ignorance.
When my burn out effectively led to losing a team member, I was able to justify it. I told myself that I just wanted them to experience the full implications of what a promotion would mean and push them towards that career goal—I thought I was helping, not hurting. My task-oriented self thought because I was also working the same crazy hours I asked them to work, I was being reasonable. I had no idea the impact my own burn out had on others.
In hindsight, I transferred my own stress onto them in order to make a point: I was stress tested when I was their age and now this was their rite of passage. Even now, I don’t believe my actions came from a place of 100 percent spitefulness, but more so ignorance. If your parents have ever given you the “I walked a mile in two feet of snow just to get to my winter boots” lecture, then you’ll completely understand the type of leader I was during these days.
But eventually, I had to look inward and ask myself: Are they doing it wrong or am I? Where is the line between motivate and inspire? Spoil alert: Turns out there are other ways to show people your expectations.
The Less Inexperienced Leader
Every individual requires a slightly varied leadership style, but the foundation always remains the same. My understanding of being a leader now has shifted from “I have a job to do and you have to help me do it,” to actively creating an atmosphere where my team is motivated to be the best they can be.
To lead to the best of my abilities today, means taking the time to explain my thinking. For my team to be successful, they must have perspective, understand the big picture and the repercussions of their individual actions. My leadership style is no longer a secret. In fact, my goal is to share the inner workings of my leadership tactics with those who I lead. And if I don’t have time, then do so after the fact so they understand my intentions behind the feedback.
I believe it would be a disservice to my team to turn a blind eye to issues that may limit their careers in the future when every mistake is amplified. There are still times that I am the assertive coach entering the dressing room at halftime so to speak, using tough love to motivate the team to fight back. But I now understand that this tactic doesn’t work in every situation for every individual—sometimes your team will need confidence and comfort to claw their way back to a win in the last period.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am still outcome-oriented and required to deliver, but I no longer am willing to leave a trail of destruction behind me in the process. I have discovered that my team can actually achieve better outcomes faster when I take the time to lead properly. I now understand that if I am burning out, my team is likely too—because I am in it with them. When I focus on having a holistic approach to leadership that starts from looking inward first, my team is motivated to work hard alongside me and go the extra mile for deliverables.
The Leader I Am Striving To Be
The EQ leadership training, leadership development books and examples of leaders in my professional circle have worked together to show me that in order to be an effective leader, you must be three things:
- Self-aware, willing to admit when they are wrong and never be too prideful to learn
- Observant, create trust within the team by developing a deep understanding of individuals and their motivations
- Authentic, consistently show up with the same values in every situation and environment
Don’t take this leadership advice as the rule set in stone—take it only as my journey towards being a better leader thus far. In two, five and 10 years from now, I hope I re-read this posting and laugh at how much my leadership style has matured and evolved.
There is a rigid difference between the textbook understanding of leadership and developing the habit of applying the theory to the real world. My hope is that we, as leaders, begin to embrace techniques such as 360 feedback as an improvement tool, not a medical tool. Direct feedback on your leadership via the people who you lead is invaluable for your accountability and development.
While I do believe some are born-leaders and have those innate abilities, that’s just not me. I am committed to continuously work towards being a better leader and intend to share my learnings along the way. So, what has been your biggest mistake as a leader? What three qualities do you believe effective leaders need to possess? Join the conversation.