How I confronted my impostor syndrome and what I am doing about it now.
Oxford made a mistake. There is no way they should have let me, the student who was held back twice in highschool and the employee who has been on the verge of being ‘found out’ for years, into their prestigious establishment.
I am going to get found out. I am a fraud.
Impostor syndrome by Merriam-Webster definition is “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success.”
For years, I have heard the term and allowed it to flow right by me. While I may have consistently felt like others had an inflated perception of my success, I did not allow myself to accept the label of impostor syndrome as my own. That is until recently, when I graduated with a masters from Saïd Business School, University of Oxford. When I was handed that piece of paper, my respect for Oxford diminished significantly.
Not because the education I received didn’t meet my expectations or that the graduation ceremony wasn’t the grand event I had always imagined—because trust me, it was an unmatched experience. The lengthy proceedings conducted in primarily Latin require video instruction (outlining everything from what socks to wear and when to use the restroom) just for graduates to be able to navigate their way through the tradition. No, my respect for Oxford diminished simply because I had fooled them into giving me a degree. How could the heart of world academics be so easily bamboozled by me?
That’s when it hit me—my perceived fraudulence is the actual fraud. Afterall, Oxford is the oldest university in the English-speaking world, dating back to 1096. It is a highly selective institution with an acceptance rate between 13-17 percent. I had not only been accepted, but managed to complete two years of schooling and be handed a piece of paper stating “Riccardo Cosentino Pembroke College satisfied the Examiners in Major Programme Management.” I began to question if I had fooled the prestigious establishment, or if I had only been fooling myself.
It’s pretty alarming how delayed this aha moment was for me considering the dedicated lecture and Handout on Expectations, Transitions and Overcoming Imposter Syndrome Oxford provided me during the first semester of my first academic year—which both essentially confirmed that my fear of being exposed was not unique in the slightest. Yet, I went on thinking I was completely alone in my feelings; that I had somehow found the backdoor into Oxford’s golden gates and needed to do everything in my power to not get thrown out once someone inevitably found me out. After all, I did have a proofreader help me edit my admissions essay and about fifty other justifications of why I did not deserve to be there.
Though impostor syndrome is not unique to Oxford, it’s clear the elite environment exacerbates the feelings (so much so to justify the need of these materials to be developed and disputed to each student). I might be so bold as to say Oxford even attracts those who suffer with impostor syndrome; the individuals that are prone to perfectionism (with a side of anxiety, self-doubt and fear of failure).
So, after skimming through admissions, I spent two years devouring the recommended reading list and the optional reading list just to cover my tracks. Each module, I cringed at the thought of my peers or professors calling out my bullshit. I have always thought of myself as average, if not below average and then all the sudden, I’m being handed a degree from Oxford?
So, after initially accusing Oxford of being a joke for such a lapse in judgment, my ingrained beliefs started to become illogical. I could no longer knowingly lie to myself—the external factors had become too strong.
Let Logic Work
I am a rational person. I know this because I’ve done the work to find out. Over the last few years, I have worked with a coach to evaluate and address my emotional intelligence (EI). This decision to seek an EI coach in the first place probably derived from my impostor syndrome and need to overcompensate, but more on that later. Emotional Intelligence and working with a coach, built the foundation that would shake my limiting, impostor-like beliefs.
At the start of our sessions in February 2020, my coach had me do an emotional intelligence test. When we sat down to review the full breakdown of my results, I was equally shocked and unsurprised. Empathy, optimism, social responsibility and notably, self-regard (aka confidence and respecting oneself) scored the lowest and therefore, were the areas that needed the greatest development.
It took me months to understand that what the EI assessment was truly identifying were the root causes of my impostor syndrome. I spent over a year meeting with my coach, challenging my beliefs, getting analytical of my emotions and slowly moving the metrics. The real work, happening alone in my head all along. Meanwhile, my imposter syndrome was working in overdrive, leading me to read—a lot. Every reading, such as Radical Uncertainty, was unknowingly helping me gain confidence. For years, I watched leaders and my peers in infrastructure be so certain in their ideas, predictions and plans. I had felt incompetent for not being able to do the same. But now, my perspective was shifting—being uncertain is more certain than having a clear picture of what is going to happen. Maybe the others didn’t know as much as I gave them credit for; maybe I wasn’t as far behind as I thought.
My decision making skills (particularly reality testing, to see things as they really are) has always scored quite high. Hence why when Oxford told me I earned a masters by presenting that very expensive piece of paper, I was forced to think logically about that success, and all the others I had questioned that had come before it. It was time to start understanding impostor syndrome.
After nearly two years of self work, in November 2022, I had my EI reassessed. Levels of self-perception scored higher across the board: more confidence, more self-actualization, more emotional self-awareness. While, I’ll admit my optimism could still use some work, the drastic change in my thinking is finally an accomplishment I celebrate wholeheartedly.
Calling Out Impostor-Like Thinking
The dreaded cycle of impostor syndrome goes a little something like this:
- Frenzied hard work inspired by the impending failure.
- Short-lived gratification when you avoid exposure.
- A sense that failure is imminent.
- Repeat cycle indefinitely.
For years, I have been anticipating failure, thinking that every endorsement from a mentor or promotion given was a result of my charm over my talent. In meetings, I would only speak up on items I am most confident on (and had spent the most time prepping for in private) for fear that I might sound well…stupid. I inadvertently knew something wasn’t working in my professional life; I was sprinting to be in the same place.
If this narrative sounds familiar to you, it is likely because you also are dealing with feelings of impostor syndrome, the phenomenon that an estimated 70 percent of us will experience at some point in our lives, according to this review article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science.
Personally, I have had impostor syndrome my whole life. It started when I failed twice (or I should say when the Italian education system failed me). It continued when I watched my mom cry after parent-teacher meetings and perhaps even worsened when I finally got my act together and started going to the library on the weekends. Understandably, my parents questioned this uncharacteristic behavior, but more on that can be found in my article: Super Smart, Doesn’t Apply Himself.
My point isn’t to play my tiny violin for you all, but to provide reassurance that your impostor syndrome isn’t a belief that came solely from within you—external factors played a role. Constantly being told that the teacher or parent is always right, will teach you that you are always wrong. And I have a whole list of failures from throughout my career that can support this narrative.
Oxford did eventually expose me, but not in the way I initially expected. My bullshit they called out was not that I wasn’t smart enough to be in the room, but that I had been self-sabatoshing and refusing to accept that I was already there.
Nothing To Lose: Can Impostor Syndrome Be Good?
For all the negatives of impostor syndrome, there is a silver lining: it makes you work harder than anyone else in the room. That being said, this is often seen as a necessary act because you believe you are not as smart as everyone else and therefore, have to work harder to meet the same expectations.
Very rarely did I believe I belonged and or I was capable; taking on new responsibility or challenge became almost a dare in my career—can I pull off another project without them finding out I don’t belong? In a strange way, I took on more and more challenges because I felt I had nothing to lose—my exposure as a fraud was inevitable anyway. And because I always doubted my ability to succeed so each time I surpassed my limiting beliefs I was dumbstruck and willing to push the envelope further.
So, when I was asked to spearhead a project that I felt I had no right to be on in any capacity, I would think, “I might as well go down swinging.” The added responsibility would increase the severity of my impostor-like thoughts, leading me to putting that much more effort into my work. My drive being “I have nothing to lose,” instead of “I am capable.”
I concede, the excessive overcompensation has gotten me far in my career, yet I can’t help but think of the wasted energy and missed opportunities. Swimming with the wrong technique will always lead to wasted energy—and that’s how I was living my professional life for decades. The outcome of my hard work was positive, but not the most direct route.
I have spent unspeakable time and effort doing my best to not get “found out” instead of focusing on the actual problem at hand. People’s perceptions were the concern over the real work. And while without a doubt I was working as hard as I could, it’s just that it wasn’t directed probably. It wasn’t efficient since the target was always on not getting caught for sneaking in the backdoor of my successes.
Impostor syndrome caused me to doubt the value of my opinions and point of view, which negatively impacted my day-to-day approach to work and how I interacted with people in professional settings. Projects became unattainable, there was never enough time in the day, I was prone to burnout and quitting my corporate career to start my life as a restaurateur.
When I started at Oxford, I was still in the height of this thinking. Convinced I couldn’t handle the program as well as my peers, I proceeded to read mandatory readings, recommended readings and optional readings. And unless I was explicitly told otherwise, I believed my peers had done that and more. The positive outcome is that I read everything and forced myself to gain a lot more knowledge, but it was for the wrong reasons. Add up enough these unnecessary efforts to avoid fraud exposure and you have a middle-aged man in a chef’s hat convinced that julienning carrots is the answer to burnout. When in reality the answer to burnout is work-life balance—an impossible equilibrium for someone with impostor syndrome.
Now, when I think back on the hundreds of questions I didn’t ask because I assumed I was supposed to know the answer, I wonder how many others would have benefited by me raising my hand. Instead, I would spend hours finding the answer for myself, studying all the surrounding topics just in case—again, not the most efficient approach when the answer was likely readily available if I had opened my mouth to ask. At the time, exposing any of my questions or ideas was a perceived risk I was not willing to take due to fear of failure.
It is only recently that I have begun to shift the paradigm and actually take real risk (not the perceived risk of being exposed) because I know I have the skills to succeed. If I had adopted this thinking earlier in my career, what could I have accomplished? What if in fact I have been underachieving despite my accomplishments because I never set my goals high enough?
The Misguided Leader: Why Leaders Need To Release Impostor Syndrome
If you want to confront your impostor syndrome, get into a leadership position. When you lead a team, all of your weaknesses are brought to the forefront. My biggest failure as a leader (so far) is without a doubt a result of my own impostor syndrome. You’ll have to read that full article for the details, but essentially I pushed an employee to their brink. She quit. I failed.
You cannot expect others to work with the same “they-are-going-to-find-me-out” motivation that you always have. You can go ahead and burn out yourself by trying to prove yourself, but other people, the people you lead, will not always be motivated by that same method. Without providing them true motivation, there will be a lack of understanding of the purpose of working hard. Subconsciously, you can rationalize why you are pushing so hard, but those you lead need a concrete reason. A concrete motivation.
During that time, because I was working extra hard to ensure I didn’t get caught as a fraud, I started projecting my impostor syndrome onto my team. What if we all get caught? My bar for success was set way too high, higher than a healthy standard for me and for my team.
It took (and continues to take) years to understand that I bring a unique perspective to the table, and that includes my perspective as a leader. I believe it is our responsibility as leaders to address our own impostor syndrome so we can provide the space for others to succeed beyond our (and their) limiting beliefs. If you are busy holding yourself to impossible standards to devaluing your own work, how will you ever be able to create meaningful impact for those you lead? If you downplay your own successes, how will you ensure your team feels theirs are relevant?
And beyond that, how are you able to lead if you’re doubting your decisions? A leader with impostor syndrome can often become more of a follower than a leader, looking for direction from others. Instead of following the leader, your team will follow another follower who is following the real leader.
So you have impostor syndrome, now what?
Getting a degree from Oxford might not be your cure to impostor syndrome, but you will be able to find your cure. Find your confidence and the external opportunity that will lead to internal acceptance that you are capable.
For example, I started posting on LinkedIn (you may have noticed). When I first decided to be more active on this platform, I was terrified to leave any comment other than “Congrats!” on a connection’s recent promotion. Now, I engage in debate, post ideas surrounding controversial subjects and guess what? The only thing that has changed from the person second guessing liking a post for ten minutes and the one writing a 3000-word article on impostor syndrome, is my understanding that I hold a unique perspective—one worth hearing. That for every ten people out there, seven of us are wondering if everyone else in the room is smarter or more deserving to share their opinions. Once you knock down the arbitrarily pedestals you’ve placed everyone (besides yourself) on, your full potential is unlocked.
And there are days where I still struggle with the fear that I will finally reveal my incompetence. I mean, multiple times while writing this article I have asked myself: Who would want to read what I have to think about impostor syndrome? Shouldn’t experts in the subject be speaking on this instead of me? When those impostor-like thoughts appear (and they will), I now shift my questioning from “Why me?” to “Why the hell not me?” Instead of asking “Am I right?”, I now ask “How do I know I’m not right?”
After three years of reflection, three years of growth, I am still on this journey to overcome (or should I say, better manage) impostor syndrome, but this is what I know for sure:
- Impostor syndrome made me work my ass off in my early career and served me extremely well as an individual. But my transition into a leadership role taught me just how limiting it is.
- Impostor syndrome isn’t modesty or a lack of confidence, it’s a harmful self-preservation tool.
- Impostor-like thinking can be the most limiting factor in your career; I have been the biggest obstacle to my own success for this reason.
- Impostor syndrome makes projects harder than they need to be; it creates a road block before the work even begins because you’re second guessing everything you’re doing.
- Not calling out impostor-like thinking among your employees and peers can lead to missed potential and the most innovative ideas.
- You won’t wake up tomorrow and be free of impostor syndrome—it’s a journey. But I can promise you this: Understanding the concept and looking inward to link those definitions to your actions will free your potential and elevate your career to places you never thought possible.
If you made it here, wow congratulations you keener. Let’s continue the conversation: what is your biggest truth about impostor syndrome, especially in the context of achievement in the workplace?
Despite being more frequently discussed in the academic world (with half of studies on the topic being published in the last six years) impostor syndrome is not a recognized psychiatric disorder. Do you believe including impostor syndrome in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) would help individuals codify behavioral health solutions? Join the conversation.